Bullies

Many years ago, a young student came into the dojo with an obviously troubled look on his face. When I asked him what’s wrong, he said another kid at school called him a bad name. Thinking I could incorporate it into a lesson, I asked if he’d like to tell me about it. He said that the other child called him a ‘doody-head’. Being an adult, it’s easy to smile about such a childish comment, but it’s devastating to a nine year-old. I said, “That was a pretty stupid thing for him to say, wasn’t it?” The student hung his head down and muttered, “yeah.” I then said, “He must be pretty stupid to call you that”, to which he raised his head a bit and said, “Yeah”, a little stronger. I then asked, “Do you really care what a stupid person thinks about you?” My student stood erect, looked me in the eye, and strongly answered, “NO!”

A bully’s usual intention is to hurt your feelings. He often has low self-esteem, and makes others feel worse to feel better about himself. Simply ignoring the comment, not letting it bother you, takes the bully’s ‘power’ away. Arguing with the bully or denying his claim can escalate the situation. Once in my college days I was out with friends. I glanced around the bar and as my gaze passed some ‘tough guy’ he snarled “What’re you lookin’ at?” to which I replied, “Not much.” He got up to confront me, saw I wasn’t backing down, cursed under his breath and walked away. Very risky on my part. I teach my students not to fight; it’s just dumb words from an ignorant person who should be pitied, not feared. I also teach my students that, should he try to physically harm you, it’s okay to take appropriate measures to defend yourself. Like the old ‘sticks and stones’ saying, his words mean nothing to me; but if he tries to touch me, that’s when we have a problem. A favorite technique against physical attack is a strong block. I remind my students that a good block is designed to strike the attacking limb, not just brush it aside. If the attacker’s arm or leg gets bruised in the process, it shouldn’t have come at me in the first place. The fault is not mine for defending myself; it’s his for attacking me.

A famous story in my martial arts circle of friends took place at a small, local tournament. I refereed a ring, calling penalties as per tournament rules if a competitor committed a foul. One particular instructor harassed me whenever I called penalties on his students, which was often. I could have further penalized or disqualified his students for his unsportsmanlike conduct, instead I tried to explain, to show him the rule book, but he just had it in for me. At one point he began to yell because I didn’t call a point for his student, even though the other judges and I saw that the technique wasn’t in. He insisted it was in, so I did something unprecedented and said I’d poll the judges for a ruling and even allowed the loudmouth a vote. I said, “Judges, call!” He jumped up and down waving his hand, neither of the two judges or I called for a point, so I ruled, “One says ‘yes’, three say ‘no’. No point!” He stormed off screaming a tirade of curses at me. At that moment I realized that a good personal measure is the caliber of people who have problems with me. If a fool and I don’t get along, that’s just fine. If someone whom I admire or whose opinion I value disagrees with me, then I may need to reevaluate what I’m doing.

An action-star appeared on some TV talk show a while back and spoke of being bullied in high school because he was the smallest one in his class. Over the summer he had a growth spurt of several inches, and felt he’d no longer be picked on. Not having gained bulk in proportion to his new height, the bullies then picked on him for being a ‘freakish string bean’. He just couldn’t win! The simple fact is that anyone can pick on anyone else for some physical feature or character trait. Someone is too tall, too short, too smart, wears glasses, has big feet, etc. Even those who have absolutely nothing unusual about them can be picked on for being ‘too perfect’, a ‘plastic model’, or a ‘pretty little doll’.

Some people may be extremely tall and artistic; or awkward and charitable; or have large ears and athletic. Everybody is unique. If you recognize and celebrate your differences from others, it’s hard for bullies to damage your self-esteem by pointing out those differences. Just keep in mind that, by trying to point out your ‘flaws’, they’re really showing theirs’.